The past few weeks we have been going to a certain place in town, for a certain service… their prices are cheap and they do a great job (and no, it’s not a naughty place!!!!! I’m just too paranoid about someone from ‘real life’ reading this and knowing what and who I’m talking of!).
I have a problem though, whenever I think about going back there I feel intensely guilty and can’t look my wife in the eye. Why? It just so happens that one of the guys that works there is rather easy on the eye – on my eye(s) – and I suppose you could say I have a little bit of a crush on him.
Having a crush has never bothered me in this way before, primarily because this time I am extremely, blissfully, overwhemingly, happily married, not an innocent tween or teenager. In that respect, to be looking at someone else and feeling giddy, it feels wrong and like a betrayal of sorts.
By rights it shouldn’t trouble me – my wife knows about the crush – and enjoys teasing me every chance she gets. She has told me on numerous occasions that it doesn’t worry her, that she understands what a crush is, more to the point that I’m a sexually charged human and it’s only natural to find certain people attractive. Yeap, my wife is fucking awesome. When I tell her it feels like I’m cheating on her or something, she laughs and rolls her eyes and tells me I’m silly. Slowly I am starting to believe her, that having a crush doesn’t equate to cheating or anything close to it.
I’m just not used to feeling this way when having a crush! I haven’t had a bonafide crush in years, probably since my late teens, and let’s face it, as a teen you have a certain innocence. You imagine what kissing that person would be like, perhaps you imagine what they’d look like naked, maybe even what it would be like to have sex with that person; but it’s not graphic.
Now, as a woman in my early-30’s? Graphic. Graphic, graphic, graphic. I don’t look at him and giggle and wonder what it would feel like to kiss him. I bite my lip, frown and imagine how it would feel to be bent over the kitchen table while he slams into me from behind. I don’t imagine what he would look like naked, I imagine what his stiff cock would look like and exactly how he would like that cock to be sucked. I don’t just wonder what sex would be like, I imagine the myriad of positions we could have sex in, I imagine the sweat, the panting, the screaming, the hard & fast, the slow and gentle, the grunts and groans, how full I would feel, that first press inside, that final slipping out…
See. A crush is now more than a crush; it’s a full blown sexual fantasy. I guess it doesn’t help that I write erotica and my brain is now programmed to find the sex in everything. Where a crush was once wishful thinking, it is now the living out of a story inside my head… like my brain is writing a story without my permission.
Perhaps the most telling way the simple crush has changed between my teens and 30’s however, is what I want from the crush. In my teens the crush always meant lusting after the person, hoping, dreaming that someday that person would see me in the same way and we would end up together. Now? A crush is just a fantasy. No wishful thinking, no hopes that ‘maybe, one day’. I have never ever ever looked at that person and thought *sigh* I wish we could be together.
Why would I? I am so crazy in love with my wife that thought of being with someone other than her is upsetting, it’s the last thing I want! I plan to be with her forever, in everything I do she is the one who will be by my side.
And maybe that is what really bothers me. This little crush is something I do without her…