I have been wanting to do a post about rape fantasy for a long time now, but whenever I start the post I find myself staring back at a blank screen, unable to find the words to convey what I want to say… and perhaps subconsciously, a little embarrassed. A year or two ago I read Garden of Desires, written by Emily Dubberley (highly recommend it!) and finally realised that I am not the only woman in the world who finds herself fantasising about rape.
Having been in a sexually abusive relationship in the past – which included rape – the whole idea of a rape fantasy is extremely confusing to me. To begin with I was highly ashamed about my fantasy, why the hell would I want to relive that feeling of having no control and of being taken against my will? More to the point, why would my brain drift to that little place when I was having sex or masturbating, and why did it arouse me so much?
After a lot of research and admittedly a lot of soul searching I came to the realisation that for me (and it seems for most women) rape fantasy isn’t so much about the desire to be raped (I do NOT want to be raped, I want to make that clear!) but more about having control over the situation. I know, the idea of rape = control for the victim sounds crazy, but it makes sense when you think about it. The rape fantasy is happening in your head – ultimately it is you in control of the situation – unlike a real rape when the victim is most certainly not in control.
When my brain does ‘go there’ it is never a prolonged fantasy taking up hours of my time, in fact, it probably only lasts for a minute or so. My fantasy-attacker isn’t always the same person either, but it is always a man who is well known and is in the public eye, never a stranger. I think my brain goes to the people it does because I know they are widely respected and admired and a lot of them speak out against domestic violence and the like. Essentially the men who rape me in my fantasies are men who are the complete opposite to the man who did rape me.
Rape fantasy, as I experience it, is purely a mental thing which stays in my head. I can’t say what triggers it, but suddenly I am in the situation where I am being forced against my will to have sex with < insert man’s name here >. He is being rough, the sex is hard and fast and hurts – but in that hurts-s0-good type of way – not in the type of way I physically experienced in my ‘real life’ rapes. Sometimes he’s calling me a slut, sometimes he is telling me I deserve it, or that he knows I want it. Sometimes he tells me I’m stupid or worthless, but in those instances that is how I’m feeling about myself in general, and I know it is really *me* subconsciously telling myself that I am those things. The fantasy always stops just before I orgasm, then I am back in reality and 100% alert and aware that it is my wife causing the myriad of pleasurable feelings inside me; it is always her that takes me over the edge, never the fantasy. It is my loving, safe, secure reality that I eventually enter back into when the post-orgasmic fog has cleared and my brain begins working again.
It is hard to explain, and I don’t know that I’m really portraying what I feel accurately enough!
I have no desire to act out the fantasy in role play, but in saying that I have nothing against those who do!!! Rape fantasy – when role played – is ALL about consent, and it really pisses me off when people are judgemental bastards about those who partake in rape fantasy role play! Equally, I understand that not everyone is going to understand where rape fantasy (as a whole) comes from… it’s like any sexual turn on or fantasy, different strokes for different folks, etc, etc, etc.
THIS is part of why I think #AdultSexEdMonth is so important. It is all about educating people about all aspects of sex. More than that, it is about opening up dialogue about aspects of sex that are treated as taboo or that simply aren’t acknowledged as being worthy of open, honest, frank discussion. It’s about normalising and embracing sex and sexuality, it’s about acknowledging sex is a broad topic that should be seen as something that (so long as consent is involved) is natural, normal, healthy and, well… awesome.